In my devotions the other day I found these words hard to fathom, ” We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. ” – C. Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
What?! Then what, pray tell, is this whole move to New Mexico ride about? I thought God called us to it, we went, we would be successful. Success meaning job, home, ministry flourishing, and added benefits of health and happiness. Success at all of this for the Sanders was part of the journey, right?
I will not bring the reader to tears from boredom but this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It took awhile for me to even “get on board” with the calling to create Hear the Cry. Once I got my mind around it, I felt like the journey would be blessed with great success. Instead, everything is harder. When I say everything, I mean it! The three of us plus our dog are now living in a 38 foot motorhome. The truck load of stuff we brought from Illinois (after selling, donating and leaving at curb almost half of it) is in storage. Besides the emotional side of leaving our oldest daughter, Cori, and her husband Nick behind, we now have the physical and mental task of starting a new life.
The other day I needed my gym shoes. They are kept on the dash of the motorhome with other family shoes. I climbed over Katie’s bed, then the chair, then a small table followed by Katie’s plastic tote of her clothes. I reached across to grab my shoes. One fell down in front of the passenger seat. I felt defeated. It took so much to get there to lose the goal. Just like every other task in this situation! I know the reader is shaking their head and/or laughing. This was a breakdown for me. I yelled at my family. I yelled at God. Once I detangled from the aforementioned list of obstacles, I cried. I cried because it was hard. This is hard. My comfortable box is gone. (All 2400 square feet of it!) The job I loved and excelled at is gone. My family, friends and support system is far away. It doesn’t seem like God wants success for me.
As I ponder these feelings and meditate upon my purpose in this place, I come to one of my favorite psalms. The 23rd. Yeah, you know it. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.” I sure want a lot. I don’t seem to be using God as a Shepherd. I seem to be wandering into the valley alone. What are my priorities? Is it success? New home, new job, new support system in another state? No. I was called. That’s enough. It feels like free falling right now but my God is big. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this. One of them is about obedience. More on that later…I gotta find that shoe.